I guess all of those damn email addresses finally caught up to me! I forgot which one i used to get into this blog and after months, i finally figured it out! Any whoo.....
So I'm starting to get the unfullfilled life feelings again. I dont know if its those damn hormones going to work on my body again, or if its the change going on all around me and i seem to be standing unhappily still while its going on. Sometimes I feel comfortably numb, and choose to ignore things just to keep a bit of sanity in my head. I dont really know how to "fix" whats wrong. I get advise from people all the time. Ive even tried counseling a few months ago. Even the counselor said my situation seems "fucked". That made me feel great to know that even she didnt know what to do. Its not like I can pick up and leave, or go on a spur of the moment trip.
I got in touch with an old friend recently, and she asked about how i had been, and what has life been like after all these years. I really couldnt think of a whole lot to say and summed it up as a Japanese tragedy. How horrible that I couldnt think of anything really positive to say. Could it be this uncomfortably cold Chicago weather that I grew away from when I lived on the east coast? Its cold there, but nothing like Chicago cold.
My mom used to call my a gypsy. I never could stay in one place for too long. Maybe I have already told you that before. I'm sure I have. 2 years. Thats my number. 2 years in one place and a switch goes off in my head. I thrive on change and new things, yet I'm a creature of habit and routine. Virgo's are known for routine arent we? I told the other half that I feel like my 20's were robbed from me. I'm getting ready to enter into a new decade, and I feel like I have to turn back in time to fix the last decade. The thing is, you cant. It will either eat you up, or you learn from it. No one ever told me it would do both.
I think this time though, I dont want to "go back home to Maryland". I need something fresh and new. Somewhere not so depressing for me. Have you ever thought that the place you're missing wasnt the place itself, but the experience? Or how it used to be? You're infatuated with how something used to be? All of us are different people than we were 10 yrs ago. Im more quiet and reserved than I used to be. I have been misunderstood as "the mean girl" or a "bitch" because I speak exactly what is on my mind like a child does when I do decide to open my mouth anymore. I dont have the same fun as the people around me do. I have a different perception of fun.
But see, those others havent lost every item in their life 5 times. Imagine only being down to the clothes on your back 5 times in your life. Anyone who ever had a house fire and lost everything can understand the devistation. I had it happen 5 times. Not due to fires, but due to changes in my life. I've bounced back happily each time, except this last time. Its been 5 years 4 months and 24 days since the last loss. It was the one that I dont think I will ever bounce back from.
Anyway, I've kept the same group of friends from childhood most of my life. We've all changed in our own ways. Some for the best and some for the worst. I feel like something big is going to happen though. And I think its going to happen soon. I have too many signs coming at me in one time. Other people are starting to change around me, and it has to rub off on me too, right? Well I'm going to leave this one up for comment. Thanks for reading my whinning session. Sometimes you just gotta lay it all out, right?
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