Today I'm feeling alone. I have people around me, but they are empty shells with fake smiles on their faces. I miss the days when I could run over to my friends' houses without having to call and make an appointment just to hang out. I miss the days when the smiles around me were from real people who cared for more than just themselves. I know people say "people are people, we're all the same no matter what" but you know what, that is total bullshit. People who surround me now are totally self absorbed, living in la-la land, and completely unsupportive of others unless it benefits them. I have become an angry person because of these people. Its like living amonst spies. You can't trust them because they always have an agenda. Even the person closest to me, I don't trust. Do I live in a constant state of paranoia? No, but the people that have come into my life since I moved to Illinois have no idea what it means to be a real friend. I have closed myself off to avoid being screwed over...its out of the last 6 years of experience with these people that has made me this way. I really feel like there is a territorial difference in people. I think Illinois has finally gotten the best of me. I have no hope in people here anymore. Every single person I know here has lied to me or betrayed me in one way or another. Its not just simple everyday lies like: did you like dinner tonight? yes, yes I did...Lie! No, its not one of those kinds of things, its like: what $100 bill? I didn't see that on the table, no I dont have it...Lie! Straight up vicious!!!! This is not my personality. I am genuinely a happy outgoing person, a little on the quiet side, and I LOVE sarcasim. Its my favorite emotion :) I'm a SUPER PRIVATE person, but all of thats out the window here too. EVERYONE wants to know whats going on with everyone, and everyone LOVES to tell everyone EVERYTHING. How do people live only to destroy others?! How is that so satisfying? I am human, I like human contact and interaction. Illinois...you have robbed me of my genuine friends!!!
Just move, you say? Yeah, I would love to. Could I? Sure, but it would be hard. Did I mention I'm married? with 2 kids? or that he has 2 other kids from a previous marriage? Yep! Only way to move is to break up the family now. Do I do that to my family? Thats a pretty selfish thing to do dontcha think? So where does one turn when theres nowhere to turn? My answer: traveling. But this is another ordeal anymore too. So i have an unattainable answer! now what do i do?
I dont want you to get the wrong idea here...my husband is a pretty good guy. Im not looking for an out in my marriage. Just an out of this hell hole that I live in.
