for you...

Words never said
Love I`ll never spread
Kisses never felt
While I am about to melt

Desires he doesn`t know
Feelings that hurt me so
Mystery is all I can find
While almost losing my mind

Begging for love I`ll never feel
Making myself wounds I`ll never heal
Drowning in my own dreams
And falling apart at the seams.

today's post

Today I'm feeling alone. I have people around me, but they are empty shells with fake smiles on their faces. I miss the days when I could run over to my friends' houses without having to call and make an appointment just to hang out. I miss the days when the smiles around me were from real people who cared for more than just themselves. I know people say "people are people, we're all the same no matter what" but you know what, that is total bullshit. People who surround me now are totally self absorbed, living in la-la land, and completely unsupportive of others unless it benefits them. I have become an angry person because of these people. Its like living amonst spies. You can't trust them because they always have an agenda. Even the person closest to me, I don't trust. Do I live in a constant state of paranoia? No, but the people that have come into my life since I moved to Illinois have no idea what it means to be a real friend. I have closed myself off to avoid being screwed over...its out of the last 6 years of experience with these people that has made me this way. I really feel like there is a territorial difference in people. I think Illinois has finally gotten the best of me. I have no hope in people here anymore. Every single person I know here has lied to me or betrayed me in one way or another. Its not just simple everyday lies like: did you like dinner tonight? yes, yes I did...Lie! No, its not one of those kinds of things, its like: what $100 bill? I didn't see that on the table, no I dont have it...Lie! Straight up vicious!!!! This is not my personality. I am genuinely a happy outgoing person, a little on the quiet side, and I LOVE sarcasim. Its my favorite emotion :) I'm a SUPER PRIVATE person, but all of thats out the window here too. EVERYONE wants to know whats going on with everyone, and everyone LOVES to tell everyone EVERYTHING. How do people live only to destroy others?! How is that so satisfying? I am human, I like human contact and interaction. Illinois...you have robbed me of my genuine friends!!!
Just move, you say? Yeah, I would love to. Could I? Sure, but it would be hard. Did I mention I'm married? with 2 kids? or that he has 2 other kids from a previous marriage? Yep! Only way to move is to break up the family now. Do I do that to my family? Thats a pretty selfish thing to do dontcha think? So where does one turn when theres nowhere to turn? My answer: traveling. But this is another ordeal anymore too. So i have an unattainable answer! now what do i do?
I dont want you to get the wrong idea here...my husband is a pretty good guy. Im not looking for an out in my marriage. Just an out of this hell hole that I live in.

my obsession with being cheap

You know I never heard any stereotypes about the Dutch my whole life. I had no idea what outsiders thought of us. I never heard anything negative or positive. The only things I had ever heard were about physical characteristics, like being tall or not being able to grow facial hair or eyebrows. Here is a picture of my -
brother and his fiance. He had to shave his eyebrows as a teenager in order for them to grow in. He's also about 6'2''. I think he looks more like my mom (the dutch side) than I do. Anyway, that was the extent of my knowledge of the Dutch stereotypes and my brother fits the physical characteristics. So about 5 yrs ago I met my husband. And there began the insite to what outsiders thought of my kind lol. So the first thing I heard was the phrase "Going Dutch". I had never heard it before and so I asked him. He laughed at the thought that a Dutch girl never heard of it. So he explained its when each person pays for their own bill such as with a dinner bill. So I asked why is it called "going dutch". He said because the Dutch are tight with there money. What?! Really?! I'm actually proud of that lol. Well wouldnt you know, Im super tight with my money. Im super anal about my bills and I have to have a stash of money put away somewhere for emergencies. Of course I would marry someone who could care less about the financial future, or stashing money just in case. IT DRIVES ME NUTS!!!!

Thats us. The most opposite couple out there when it comes to money. So I had to find a way that I could continue to be frugal and down right cheap to keep up with his 'I dont care how much it is' spending. So I got into couponing.  I spend a lot of time online checking blogs and couponing sites to match up deals with the coupons I get. I NEVER pay retail for anything. It doesnt matter if I'm going out to a restaraunt or going shopping for clothes. I would challenge anyone to a cheap-off. Everyone knows if you want a good deal on something go shopping with Rachel. I take pride in that. I actually have people call me all the time to find out where to go when they want to buy something. I actually thought about becoming a personal shopper. Business wouldnt be so good in my part of the woods, but I would love it. Nothing is greater than walking out of a store just paying tax on something. Its almost like a high. I get to have a shopping addiction, without losing the ranch. I love teaching people how to do it too. I feel really validated when I can share with others something I really enjoy that can make a positive difference in their lives. Im very compassionate about money. So now I will share some of the links that make life a little easier for me when I am searching for those deals. http://www.freebies4mom.com/ http://www.heyitsfree.net/ these sites are all about free stuff. Who doesn't like getting free stuff. When I go to restaraunts I like http://www.bradsdeals.com/ & http://www.retailmenot.com/. Both websites are super good when you're clothes shopping too. They are constantly updated and depending on your area, let you know what coupons or codes to use with what. Now I did mention I use coupons. I buy 4 newspapers each week to get the coupons out of them. I never use all the coupons that are in the papers. I will buy things that I wouldnt have considered using if I can get them at rock bottom prices. For example, I just stockpiled on some dishwashing tablets for $1.25 and the store gave me back $1 coupons good on my next purchase which was used to stock up on juice boxes for my kids. So I got $9 in free juice and spent $2.25 for 9 boxes of dishwasher tabs. I can dig it, can you? So my favorite coupon sites are http://www.afullcup.com/ and http://www.weusecoupons.com/ between the both of these, I can keep up on what people are finding that are not in the sales ads. These site are also updated constantly because people like us keep posting what we find throughout the day.
Now I get a little crazy. I do have a big binder and a lot of business card holders so i can organize the coupons. My husband doesn't like to go shopping with me for groceries anymore because I carry that binder into every store I go to just in case I see a deal. Hes embarrassed. Yes, people look at me like I'm nuts. I get more compliments and envy than I get negative feedback. I think the cashiers hate me more lol. But I welcome anyone to pay my bills so I dont have to use coupons (which will never happen anyway). I would rather spend money on something for my house than I would for food. I look at it as literally flushing money down the toliet. If I can save in food, I can have something material in my house or more savings in my account. I hope If I can save one dollar from being spent, this blog will have been worth writing lol. So good luck to anyone out there who wants to get started. Its a passion of mine to hold onto my money as long as possible and I will help anyone else who wants to do the same.

An ode to Duffy.....

To this person who was my right hand man, my partner in crime (literally), and my sister from another mother,
Who also had that damn Beauty and the Beast cover,
I want her to know that I love her,
And I'm glad that we got back in touch,
She came at a time that I need her so much,
Today is your birthday and I wish I could take you to lunch,
But I'll just write the poem so you know I'm thinking about you a bunch!

How's that? Pretty bad huh?

Happy Birthday!!!!!!

Finally put some excitement in this week

            Sooooo....I'm not what you would call a kid lover or an animal lover. As life would have it, I ended up with 4 kids. 2 of my own and 2 stepchildren and some fish. I love my fish. Nice and quiet. Cheap to feed and if I forget about them, they'll still be there. Well for about 2 years my family has been BEGGING for me to allow them to get a dog. Well my stance has been that I have 4 kids and they all live like animals, so no need for another animal, right? Well I broke down this week. I did it, I got us the dog. After much thought, I decided that I could take it on. You know everybody swears they'll take care of it....(insert the rolling of the eyes and sigh here). So I knew it would be up to me.
             So my search started on Craigslist yesterday morning. I saw an ad for labrador puppies. I knew if I was going to do this, that it had to be a puppy, for the safety of the kids. If it grows up around kids and being petted while its eating, I won't have to worry about anyone's face being ripped off. I visited the website listed on the ad and found that it was an animal rescue place. So I take a deep breath and start dialing the phone number on the ad. No one answered....so I leave a message. I think, well maybe that was the sign...but no my message gets immediately returned. I ask a few questions and make an appointment to go see these puppies. I didnt know what to expect. Was I going to take it home today? Is it old enough to go home with me? I dont even have food bowls, could I just pick it up another day? You swear I never owned a pet before.
              So I get there...I walk in and there were 3 black lab puppies playing around with each other. They all looked the same. Fluffy and black. The only differences were that the white spot that each of them had was on a different spot. So I look at these puppies...they're playing and biting things. All I kept seeing when I looked at them was my shoes being eaten, my furniture being destroyed and the endless poop and pee clean ups. I see the little puppy faces and I see my kids smiling and getting excited. So the lady asks me, which one do you want? Hell I dont know...they all look the same to me (and smell the same, blah! dirty puppy smell) so I ask whats the difference in the dogs. I know there are 2 boys and 1 girl. She said there really isnt any difference, only that she's heard that girl are more hyper and playful. I think it has more to do with training. I start thinking about how the boys may want to mark their territory in my house and I'm not feeling it. So the girl it is.
          I fill out my application and give her my fee and she gives me the shot papers and says make sure you follow up with the vet in 2 weeks. Thats it! I walked out with this stinky cute puppy and put her in my car and drive off. She's scared as I dont know what. I just ripped this poor dog from the only home shes ever known. I feel bad for her right now. So I drive to my house and I get her out. I try to get her to use the bathroom outside before I take her inside where I just know she's gonna piss as soon as I get her in the house. Nothing. So I figure we better go somewhere pet friendly to get supplies because I'm not leaving her alone in the house with nothing. So we go to overpriced petco. Got the food and the stuff, now its time to get the kids from school. We get home and of course they're so excited. The dog is scared shitless. She wont leave my side all night. Me and the kids gave her a bath. You just cant get that puppy smell out of her. So I put the kids to bed and it relax time for me and this nameless puppy. I tell my husband, I got this dog for you, so you have to name her.
              He gets home from work and he loves her. So we talk about the adoption experience and I said, so what are you going to name her? I threw some suggestions out there. He loved them. So we named her Vegas. The hubby just got back from a trip out there. So we put her in the dog bed in our room with us. I was so scared that she was going to pee or poop on the floor. We had no accidents all evening and I was sure it was coming. She was quiet and no accidents at all. She went outside in the morning and everything was all good. I'm starting to think she is going to be my good dog and maybe it isnt going to be a big problem. So here is a picture of her...

Finally got some sleep

       Well if yesterday's post wasn't depressing enough! I finally got some much needed sleep today! I just couldn't get myself out of bed and actually slept in! It didn't help that I had a 2 yr old somebody get out of his own bed and crawl into mine at some point during the evening. There's nothing like getting beat up in your own bed all night long.
       Here is some insight into my last 4 1/2 years. So my hubby is a big time snorer. So much so that I am unable to fall asleep in a reasonable amount of time. I've always had trouble falling asleep, but after shacking up with him, it takes about 1 1/2 hrs for me to fall asleep. So all the while, I get to sit there listening to him try to take the paint off the walls. I know what his problem is, and I have encouraged him to get it taken care of. Well he is one of those people that had his last physical at age 15 or some crazy number like that. So to him, going to the doctor is out. Well this nagging went on for about 4 years. Fast forward to the latter part of 2010 when I snapped.
       I finally started getting super angry at the fact that I wasn't able to sleep. If I tried to go to bed early, he wanted to go to bed with me. If I wanted to stay up and watch a tv show, he would stay up to watch it so we could go to bed together. Sometimes if I did decide to go to bed way early, I would ask him to stay up so I could try to fall asleep first. That would last all of 15 minutes before he was in the room going to sleep. So basically none of my tactics worked. About 2 months ago, I started using a sleep mask and ear plugs. The ear plugs did work, but after a couple of days my ears started hurting a lot all day long. I started to actually lose my hearing as well. So I stopped using them and it took about a week for my ears to get better after that. So here I was stuck in the same situation again. I finally had enough. I started the lecture about his health and how we have kids and he needs to take better care of himself. And of course it got me nowhere.
           I love my bed. It's a fairly new king size bed. I have about $1000 worth of brand new linens and pillows on it that I got for Christmas this year. To me its super comfortable and I look forward to laying down in it every night. So I decided to stop going to bed. I know how important it was to him for me to be in bed with him every night, so I stopped going to bed. I knew when I started that, that I was going to be the one to pay for that. Anything else I sleep on will kill my back. So I started with the couch. He tried getting me to go to bed with him and I stood my ground. No, thank you, I'm sleeping on the couch tonight until you fix your problem. He would get upset and roll his eyes and go to bed. I would eventually fall asleep only to be woken up twice a night to him trying to get me to go to bed. I still held my ground. Well the couch almost made me not be able to walk, so I moved it to my daughters' room. One of the girls lives there part time, which means one of the twin beds is free during the week. So I started going to bed in there. By this time, he knew I was serious. He quit asking me to go to bed, but never once offered to sleep somewhere else so that I could enjoy a comfortable night in the bed that I loved. The room I just got done redecorating. The linens I picked out. Nope, not even once. So not only was I mad about everthing else, but I was fuming at his lack of chivalry. So my daughter's bed it was. I thought everday that I woke up and was able to walk was a miracle. That bed killed me. But it was not in vain. He finally called the doctor and made the appointment and what I had been telling him for 4 1/2 years was confirmed. I'll never understand why he believes what anyone else tells him and when I tell him, I get blown off.  So I started sleeping in the bed again. It still takes me 1 1/2 to fall asleep. I still get upset that he refuses to even give me one night of sleep by sleeping somewhere else in the house. He is one of those people that falls asleep in 2 min flat and it doesn't matter where he sleeps. To anyone else out there like that, I just want to say I hate you! :) So he has his sleep study appointment next week. I hope to God that they fix this. I'm not sure I can go another 4 1/2 yrs without a good night's sleep. I did remind him last night, that when we buy a house, I will get my own room. He insisted that he wouldn't allow it. We'll see how that works out. I really wish this was 1930's or whenever it was that couples slept in separate rooms. I just want to have a good night's sleep and function normally. I have survived having 2 kids, neither of which slept through the night until they were two years old. On top of that, a husband who could care less if I go insane or become depressed due to a lack of sleep. I think I'm going to start drinking.....bottoms up!

The vent session:

         I guess all of those damn email addresses finally caught up to me! I forgot which one i used to get into this blog and after months, i finally figured it out! Any whoo.....
So I'm starting to get the unfullfilled life feelings again. I dont know if its those damn hormones going to work on my body again, or if its the change going on all around me and i seem to be standing unhappily still while its going on. Sometimes I feel comfortably numb, and choose to ignore things just to keep a bit of sanity in my head. I dont really know how to "fix" whats wrong. I get advise from people all the time. Ive even tried counseling a few months ago. Even the counselor said my situation seems "fucked". That made me feel great to know that even she didnt know what to do. Its not like I can pick up and leave, or go on a spur of the moment trip.
        I got in touch with an old friend recently, and she asked about how i had been, and what has life been like after all these years. I really couldnt think of a whole lot to say and summed it up as a Japanese tragedy. How horrible that I couldnt think of anything really positive to say. Could it be this uncomfortably cold Chicago weather that I grew away from when I lived on the east coast? Its cold there, but nothing like Chicago cold.
       My mom used to call my a gypsy. I never could stay in one place for too long. Maybe I have already told you that before. I'm sure I have. 2 years. Thats my number. 2 years in one place and a switch goes off in my head. I thrive on change and new things, yet I'm a creature of habit and routine. Virgo's are known for routine arent we? I told the other half that I feel like my 20's were robbed from me. I'm getting ready to enter into a new decade, and I feel like I have to turn back in time to fix the last decade. The thing is, you cant. It will either eat you up, or you learn from it. No one ever told me it would do both.
       I think this time though, I dont want to "go back home to Maryland". I need something fresh and new. Somewhere not so depressing for me. Have you ever thought that the place you're missing wasnt the place itself, but the experience? Or how it used to be? You're infatuated with how something used to be? All of us are different people than we were 10 yrs ago. Im more quiet and reserved than I used to be. I have been misunderstood as "the mean girl" or a "bitch" because I speak exactly what is on my mind like a child does when I do decide to open my mouth anymore. I dont have the same fun as the people around me do. I have a different perception of fun.
      But see, those others havent lost every item in their life 5 times. Imagine only being down to the clothes on your back 5 times in your life. Anyone who ever had a house fire and lost everything can understand the devistation. I had it happen 5 times. Not due to fires, but due to changes in my life. I've bounced back happily each time, except this last time. Its been 5 years 4 months and 24 days since the last loss. It was the one that I dont think I will ever bounce back from.
     Anyway, I've kept the same group of friends from childhood most of my life. We've all changed in our own ways. Some for the best and some for the worst. I feel like something big is going to happen though. And I think its going to happen soon. I have too many signs coming at me in one time. Other people are starting to change around me, and it has to rub off on me too, right? Well I'm going to leave this one up for comment. Thanks for reading my whinning session. Sometimes you just gotta lay it all out, right?